Jealousy

I feel stupid, and, that’s something new, let me tell you. I’m the type of person who’s always in control, the type of person you come to when you’re in a major crisis. I’m strong and independent. But, you… you make me feel so stupid! So slow and irrelevant. I mean nothing when I’m without you. I’m a terrible person when you’re not around. I can’t even hold myself up without your help.

Do you realize this? Do you see what you’ve done to me? What you’re doing? I’ve become someone totally different… and now I don ’ t know what to do. I feel confused and useless.
Sometimes I want to hate you. Sometimes I do hate you. But, I love you more, so much more. You are my sun, and I revolve around you. Without you I am lost, I have no purpose. I have nothing… nothing but you. You give me the life, warmth, and love that I never knew I wanted… that I never new I needed.

But, you hate everything else that I love…

“He’s so annoying! Why wont he just leave you alone! He’s like a stalker! Tell him to go away!” you cry. This is a side of you I rarely see, and one that has never been directed at me.

“I can’t. I promised to help him.” I tell you. I hate seeing you like this. You look so desperate, so vulnerable; and it scares me, because you’re the one holding me up.

“Fine.” you murmur, and that’s that.

“Wait…” I want to call after you, but you are already gone, already just another part of the crowd.
You talk to other people, ‘the guys’ as I call them. It pisses me off, and I can’t control my anger, not even around you. I avoid you and say a lot of things I don’t mean. You say a lot of things too, but I don’t know what’s going on in your head.

“I really wanted us to have time alone… but he…” I mutter, your face lights up at this, and you nod.

“That’s what I’ve been telling you. We don’t get any time alone anymore! I didn’t want to say anything because I thought you’d get mad… like you were…”

“I wasn’t mad.” I frown.

“You were! You-”

“I was jealous!”

“Wha-what?!”

“I was jealous…”

“Jealous?!”

“Yeah… you were spending so much time with Nick and Anthony… and you were ignoring me! I just- It really pissed me off! And I DON’T CARE if that’s selfish!”

“You were jealous?!” you repeat in disbelief, but you’re smiling now.

“Yeah…”

“I was only talking to them because you spent so much time with Will… and I thought you were mad at me- but you weren’t! You were jealous! I- I’m so happy!” you cry, face bright red. I feel my cheeks coloring as well, and I have to look away to hide my own joyful embarrassment.

So we were both jealous.

“Saying it makes it sound so stupid…” I mutter, still unable to look at you.

“No… you say it so much better than me! It’s… cute!” you smile, patting my head like you used to. I know it’s something a master might do to a pet, but it comforts me. It’s one of those scarce things you do to show affection, and it makes me far too happy to have that being directed at me once more.

I want more, but I wont push you. I’m selfish, I really am, but I need you to stand up, so I wont push you.

“I love you.” you smile, and it’s like we’re back to the way things were.

“I love you more.” I retort, cracking my lopsided grin. I don’t want to leave you, and I can tell you want me to stay, even before you say so. But, it’s time for class, and I’ll see you later. Plus, things are back to normal, and there is no way I’m going to lose you again.

Sometimes I want to hate you, sometimes I do.

You hate everything else that I love.

But, you’re just jealous, right?

Do you know?

That little bit of possessiveness you show me, it makes me so happy I could cry.

I love you more.