To Catch A Chicken
This is, like, insane. I wrote it with a friend for my Creative Writing class… un… enjoy?
“This can’t be allowed to happen. Please, Miss President, I would like permission to invade their organization… it’s for the greater good!”
“Uh…”
“Think of the chickens!”
“Um…”
“Just say yes.” an attendant muttered, forcing a smile.
“Der… yes?”
“Thank you, Ma’am, I wont fail you!” Brynna stated, saluting before she turned on her heals and marched out of the large office.
“That was very good, Miss President.” the attendant grinned, clapping her hands together happily. They were making progress.
“Uh… I have a question…”
“Yes?”
“What is a… chii-can…?”
“Uh…”
Scratch that, no progress made what-so-ever.
“Do it.”
“But…”
“Don’t! You’ll get in trouble!”
“No she wont! It’s the only logical thing to do… those ketchup packets are way too expensive! 25 cents my ass! They aren’t worth half that much! Just grab some and let’s jet, I’m fucking starving!”
“Language… and what did I say about talking in public?”
“Don’t remember, must have been ignoring you…”
“Cat!”
“I have a name.”
“And it’s terribly unfitting.”
“Fuck you.”
“What was that?!”
“You heard me, or are you dumb and deaf?!”
“Um… you guys?”
“WHAT?!”
“Uh… We kinda need to hurry up, I got the ketchup… I paid for half of it…” Hannah muttered, shifting her eyes this way and that, as if she was sure someone in uniform was going to jump out and slap handcuffs on her.
“Pansy…” Hope, the cat and Hannah’s ‘bad’ conscience, muttered.
“I guess it’s alright… they really were expensive…” Julia, Hannah’s younger sister and her ‘good’ conscience, smiled understandingly.
“Right… So, can we go now? We’re already late…”
“It’s the bird’s fault, she kept whining about food!” Hope growled, holding up a black paw to shove in Julia’s direction.
“Bird?!” Julia exclaimed, looking completely insulted.
“You got wings, dontcha, angel?”
“Yeah, just like you have pointed horns!”
“I miss my horns…”
“Well, maybe I miss my wings!”
“Girls, girls… please. You’re making a scene.” Hannah sighed, smirking. Sure enough, more than one curious patron at the local shop had turned to see what was going on. Most of them had jaws slackened and eyes wide. It wasn’t every day one saw a talking cat… and a young blonde in all white. It was even less often that you saw these two together, arguing about wings and horns. Yes, strange indeed.
“I wonder how John is doing… maybe he’s overheated and rolling around in his wood shavings, crying out in pain…” Hannah mused absently, before letting out a long stream of horrific laughter.
People turned away then. Seeing a cat and girl yelling at each other was weird, but that chick’s laugh was just too unsettling, not to mention it didn‘t fit her small body at all.
“SAVE CHICKENS, EAT GREEN!!!!”
“Please, don’t hurt me…”
“EAT GREEN!!!”
“S-s-scarry!!!”
“SAVE CHICKENS!!!!”
“Mommy…”
“Do it…”
“O-okay… just please, leave me alone… oh frightful one…”
“Thanks!” Brynna smiled, in an mood swing that had people double-taking three miles away.
“Hey, that tuna was MINE!!!”
“Paws off, flea brain.” Julia grinned, taking a bite of a foot-long tuna fish sandwich that really was the cat’s.
“More like hands off, halo head!!!” Hope cried, lunging at the blonde, who easily evaded, sending the poor black cat into the car’s side door window. The small creature let out a fearsome growl, red eyes flashing as she re-targeted her prey. She lunged, Julia dodged. Then with an amazing and utterly impossible mid-air back-flip, the cat found herself back on four legs, sandwich securely clamped in her mouth.
“Hah! Take that, ya frigin’ bird!” the cat laughed through a mouthful of the sandwich’s salty goodness.
“You shall burn in hell.”
“Chick, I’m a demon. I live in hell.”
“Too bad you can’t go back…”
“Shut up! I’m gunna get back there, no matter what! Just as soon as I get my body back for good! Then will you ever be sorry you messed with me!!!”
“Hmm, I’m looking forward to it. Good luck finding Heaven, I hear they don’t usually let your kind up there… can’t imagine why…”
“Ts, like I need to be ‘let in’ anywhere!”
“Really? Cause when we’re home and you’re outside and want to come in you usually-”
“That doesn’t count!”
“Oh, of course.”
“Will you two shut it?! I can’t concentrate! Wait, was that the turn…?!”
“Yes.”
“… shit…”
“Welcome to the 103rd annual ‘Workshop for the Evil at Heart: Finding the True Villain Within’. May I take you’re bags and… pet… upstairs?”
“WHO YOU CALLIN’ PET, BASTARD?!?!?!!!!”
“O-oh… excuse me… uh… sir…”
“I’M A GIRL!!!”
“R-right, of course…”
“Hehe…” Julia giggled.
“SHUT IT, BIRD!!!” Hope growled, ready to pounce.
“Hope, you’re causing another scene… let’s just go.” Hannah sighed, picking up the ornery feline from the tiled entryway and heading for the hotel board room.
“I do so often wonder how you put up with her…” Julia giggled as she skipped beside her older sister.
“I’M RIGHT HERE!!! I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING YOU’RE SAYING, BASTARD!!!”
“I like cats.”
“Oh… I see. But, you know she isn’t really a cat.”
“Yes.”
“Then…”
“No more questions.”
“… damn bastards talkin’ ‘bout me when I’m right here and not carin’ and I can hear them and their both just fucking bastards, the pricks… and what the hell does that even mean?! I wish-”
“SAVE THE CHICKENS!!!! EAT GREEN!!!” a sudden exclamation sounded, cutting the poor cat off mid-rant.
“What the-” Hannah frowned, head tilted in question as you young girl frantically waved around a large banner while yelling at the top of her lungs and running around in circles.
“Hehe… she looks like a chicken, one that’s just got it’s head chopped off… yum.” Hope chuckled maniacally.
“Excuse me!” the girl called, running over to them, much to all three’s displeasure.
“Yes?” Julia inquired politely, as the other two were too busy gawking stupidly at the girl’s superhero-like costume that had gone unnoticed until she had approached. Think super man, only with a worse color scheme, boobs, and lots of egg-patterned fabric.
“Do you like chickens?”
“Yes, I’m quite found of them, actually.” Hannah jumped in.
“Oh! How wonderful! I happen to be a fan myself, which is why I started the ‘Save Chickens, Eat Green Foundation’! Here, a flyer!”
“Eat green… like green ketchup?”
“Excuse me?”
“Ketchup. Chicken is always better with ketchup… right?”
“I think you misunderstand… I’m trying to save them… from being eaten.”
“The hell you doin’ that for? Oh- you’re a chicken hog, aren’t you?! Trying to keep all that luscious poultry to yourself, how could you?!?!!!” Hope cried in disgust.
“No… no… I don’t eat them, I save them, see?”
“She’s crazy… makes no sense.” Hope hissed in Hannah’s ear, who nodded solemnly, gazing at the brunette before her with a sympathetic expression.
“However much I hate to, I must agree with the cat… poor dear, so young…” Julia sighed, standing on her tip-toes to pat the girl on the head.
“Good luck with… whatever it is you’re doing exactly, my crazy chicken-obsessed friend…” Hannah smiled, waving and stepping around the stunned girl.
By now you must all be thoroughly confused, oh, I do hope so! My name is Kristy and I will be your narrator this evening. I plan to lead you through this wonderland born of two teenage minds in their prime. Oh, the wonders of youth!
Anyway, this is the story of rather too many characters, told in a time that is slightly too short.
It is a story in which Hannah is a villain, Brynna a superhero, Julia an angelic sister, Hope a demonic cat, Suzanne the President of the United States, John an abused hamster, and me the narrator, of course! Oh, and then there’s the bucket-load of condiments and lunch items that take over the world, not important, but still.
It is a story in which chickens and ducks are pitted against each other by two girls with far too much free time.
It is the story of a battle between a ‘save the chickens’ activist and a girl who likes drinking chocolate milk because it’s just so hardcore.
But, most of all, this is a story of good and evil.
No- wait, it’s more like what Frankenstein on crack would look like if he was a story instead of a walking, talking asparagus.
Well, I’m glad we got all that cleared up! Now, back to the story!
“That girl got dropped on her head way to many times.” said Julia as they walked away.
“I can’t believe I’m about to say this, but, I agree with ya this time, birdie. Although… she might just be twisted enough to join our organization… As a suicide cream bomber or something.” Hope mused, scratching her chin with one soot-colored paw.
“No way! I’d frigin’ strangle that girl!” Hannah exclaimed, screwing up her face in disgust at the mere mention of the spandex-wearing chicken lover. “Anyway, I think we should focus on finding our table. Who’s brilliant idea was it to put a thousand tables in this stupid room and then give you a number that you‘ll never be able to find in a bazillion years?! When I rule the world, the morons that come up with ideas like this will be fried. In pan batter. On the first Tuesday of every month. At sunset.”
“So ruthless… and… well thought out…” sighed Hope. “But, I have a better idea. See that chair over there?” Hope nodded towards a chair with a deformed midget sitting in it.
“Yeah, the one with the deformed midget sitting on it?” asked Hannah questioningly.
“Yep. Go kick his ass outa that chair and take it.”
“Hannah, don’t do it! That’s so mean!” exclaimed Julia.
“Oh shut the hell up before I put you on a stick and roast you!” said Hope. “Go on Hannah, do it. The salad bar’s right next to it, and look, there’s ketchup. Yum.” said Hope making a purring sound.
“You know what CAT, I think it’s time for your afternoon nap… go sun yourself, ya pussy!” Julia grinned before picking Hope up and throwing her out the closest window.
“You fucking bbbbiiii…..…” There was a loud crash followed by a high-pitched yowl-like meow. Julia brushed off her hands and returned her attention to Hannah, smiling happily. The older girl shook her head, sighing, before starting once again to search out their seats; which were found just before the first speaker came on. The speaker being none other than… the crazed chicken lady.
“What the hell’s she doing here?” asked Hannah.
“I have no idea.” replied Julia.
“Hello, my name is Brynna. I’m the founder of the Save Chicken’s Eat Green Foundation and I’m here today to talk to you about alternative eating habits…”
“Oh, CAN IT, NUT CASE!” came a voice from the back of the room, one that Julia knew all to well. Turning around she saw Hope in her human form. Hope walked past Julia, bent down and whispered in her ear “You just cost me one of my nine lives. I expect it back,
with interest!” then she continued her way through the tables and straight up to Brynna. “I’m gonna say this as nice as I can… Oprah’s show is down the hall.”
“When can I get some service?” came a voice from the back and, once again, everyone turned to see who it was. However, this time they were marginally more surprised. There, in all her plaid shirt and aviator glasses glory, stood the President of the United States.
“What the fuck do you want?” screamed Hope from the front of the room. Suzanne’s face lit up as she walked down the long isle between tables.
“I’d like a burger Happy Meal with extra ketchup.” Suzanne smiled, blonde hair swishing as she bobbed back in forth happily.
“Excuse me? This isn’t fucking a McDonalds.” Hope snapped, unnatural-looking red eyes glinting with malice, her short black hair falling around them in shadow.
“Wha? Uh… Isn’t this McDonalds on 35th street?” asked Suzanne, scratching her head.
“Uh… No.” replied Hope, smirking, “As a matter of fact, it isn’t… that would be across the street, and next door, oh, and I think there’s one in the lobby. But, don’t kill yourself tryin’ to find it, I mean, it’s down a whole two flights of stairs…” Yeah, that was sarcasm.
“Oh man, now I can’t get my Happy Meal toy! You don’t have a happy meal toy, do you?”
“Do I look like I’d have a stupid Happy Meal toy?” Hope questioned, raising an eyebrow for emphasis, Suzanne shook her head and left. As soon as the blonde was out of sight, Hope’s face lit up, in a scary sort of way, and she quickly bounded to Hannah’s side, grinning wider than should be possible.
“Hannah did you hear what the Pres. said?” Hope asked, demonic smile glinting in the fluorescent lighting.
“Uh, no.”
“Hannah, the President loves ketchup!” Hope exclaimed, clapping her hands together as if it was a very brilliant deduction. Julia rolled her eyes, but no one noticed. Hannah dropped her ketchup sandwich and turned to face the smiling cat-turned-girl.
“Prepare to leave. We must go back to the lair and plan our attack on the United States. We’ve waited long enough. Oh, and grab some of that ketchup, that shit ain’t cheep.” Hannah ordered, leaning back and taking a long swig of Oakhurst chocolate milk. Somehow, she pulled it off. That girl could drink chocolate milk, and look totally evil. A mystery…
Meanwhile, back at Hannah’s lair, John was running around in his wheel.
Okay, so here’s the recap. Hannah, Julia and Hope meet Brynna outside of the Evil at Heart: Finding the True Villain Within conference. None of them can stand her. Julia throws Hope out a window and Hope comes back as a human. Several years ago a ‘curse’ was put on Hope and now she turns into a cat for 12 consecutive hours each and every day. Hannah eats a ketchup sandwich and the President walks into the conference thinking it’s McDonalds. Now Hannah is going to take over the U.S.A. and make it into the biggest ketchup factory in the world. And to top it all off, John is running around in his wheel!
“Wooo-WHOOO!!! Feels good to be back in the ol’ bod again…” Hope chuckled, stretching out her arms and legs as the trio made their way back to the van.
“You must feel so relieved… fitting an ego as big as yours in such a little kitten must be very tiring.” Julia sighed, skipping ahead.
“Why you little-” Hope began, but Hannah silenced her by placing a hand on her shoulder.
“Enough, we have planning to do… and we’ll get no where if you two don’t behave.”
“But she-”
“I said enough… a big bad demon like you shouldn’t be so phased by such a petty insult, right?” Hannah smirked, Hope turned scarlet and turned away.
“Whatever…” the taller girl grumbled, stalking away.
“I’d like a burger Happy Meal with extra ketchup, please!”
“Uh… this is Best Buy, we don’t sell that sort of thing…”
“Oh…”
The chronicles of the President who wanted a burger Happy Meal with extra ketchup continues…
“And so then we dump salsa in their pool…”
“No, RELISH!!!”
“Why relish?”
“’Cause it’s more evil.”
“Of course…”
“Do not doubt me.”
“Guys, please… and pass the chocolate milk.”
“Today I infiltrated their base and converted several people to the chickenless diet!”
“Very good Agent 316B4R72110~J XPQZ-31/2 (aka Brynna). Soon you will have succeeded in making the world a better place… nothing can stop you now!”
“Well, sir… I do believe there are a group of three that may present a small problem… if left unchecked.”
“Yes, who?”
“It’s that demon, sir-”
“The one you sealed in the body of a cat?!”
“Yes, the very same, sir… only the spell is wearing off, and so she will be able to return to her true form more frequently now.”
“I see… yes, very troublesome…”
“She’s with two girls, also… one seems to have magical powers of another origin… less evil. The other is a ketchup enthusiast who likes chocolate milk… and eating chicken. She’ll be a terrifying opponent.”
“I see, well, it seems you have your work cut out for you after all… good luck, agent.”
“I wont fail you, sir.”
“Out.”
“Hmm… now, where are my apples. Can’t defeat evil on an empty stomach, that’s what I always say!”
“Do it again!” Hannah grinned, eyes wide.
“Peek-a-boo!” Hope cackled, revealing her red, slit-like eyes to the cowering hamster once again. The poor thing went running.
“Oh, stop bothering John and let’s go!” Julia sighed, pursing her lips and tapping her toe impatiently upon the floor.
“You’re just jealous you can’t have fun like us…” Hope grinned peevishly.
“Oh really, and why would I want to have fun like that? Scaring a hamster is the lamest excuse for entertainment this side of Hell.
“It’s fun, and you know it… but, poor little angel doesn’t want to dirty her wings… oh well, too bad.”
“It really is fun, and he deserves it… I heard he was once this really annoying boy that no one could stand, that’s why he got turned into a hamster!” Hannah smiled.
“Uh-huh… that sounds familiar.”
“Hey, hey… I wasn’t annoying. I was evil, okay? Evil. So much cooler…”
“Let’s go, I wanna be back before dinner, or mom’ll worry…”
“Or mom’ll worry…” Hope mimicked, dancing around the fuming angel.
“When you turn back to a cat…”
“What? Can’t take me when I’m real? Gotta wait till I’m a little pussy again…?”
“You’re always a pussy, let’s go.” Hannah muttered, pulling the demon by the ear and angel by the hand. I’m currently wondering why the demon always gets the short end of things.
“Ow… ow… OW!!!”
Meanwhile back at the White House…
“I can’t believe that McDonalds didn’t know what a Happy Meal was!” said Suzanne in outrage. “Remind me to take away their frying permit or whatever that thing that you have to have is called. Oh, and have you seen the price of ketchup? It’s outrageous! We must do something about that too. And don’t forget to call my hair stylist, I think my color is out of style now, green and red was so last year.”
“I’m sorry ma’am, this may not be my place, but shouldn’t you be concerned about more important things? Like gas prices or illegal immigration?” asked her assistant.
“Poor dear, you have been misled-en-en. The most important thing to a girl always has and forever will be, her hair. So now scurry on and do as you say… I mean I say, do as I say… I think… Just get out, you’re so confusing!” screamed the flustered Suzanne.
“Hannah, Julia and ahhh….. What was your name again?” asked Hannah and Julia’s mom, Sherisa. Hope stood there hitting her head against the wall.
“No matter how many times you hit your head, you won’t get any smarter.” remarked Julia. Hope gave her an evil glare and then answered Sherisa.
“For the fifty millionth time, my name is Hope. H-O-P-E. Hope.”
“I’m not sure if I like that tone young lady! I think you need a time out.” said Sherisa.
“Are you shittin’ me? Do you know who I am, or what I am, let alone how old I am? You don’t give a freakin’ demon a time out. Jesusm, you send them to work in the boiler or something. You don’t give them a ‘time out’!” said Hope while restraining her laughter.
“Well, if that’s what you think, then maybe cleaning all the toilets in this house would be more appropriate.”
“This woman cracks me up.” said Hope to Hannah.
“I think she might be serious, Hope. Take my advice and just stick with the time out.” said Hannah backing away very slowly.
“If you think that I’m scared of her then- Ow ow ow ow ow ow OW! What ya doin’ woman trying to rip my ear off? And what’s with all ya’s takin’ the cat by the ear, anyway?!” Sherisa dragged Hope to the closet and produced a bucket and toilet bowl scrubber.
“There are 12 toilets in this house, you better get started. Dinner’s at six.”
Ten hours later…
Bam! Hannah and Julia looked over to see Hope dragging herself over to Hannah’s bed and laying down. “You could’ve told me your toilets were a fucking thousand years old and, in those thousand years, have never once been cleaned. This house shall go to hell.” Hope spat.
“I tried to tell you, but ya wouldn’t listen.” said Hannah mockingly.
“Hey stupid. If the house went to hell, then wouldn’t it be stuck with you?” asked Julia.
“You know what, twinkle toes?! I’ve had just about enough of your stupid mouth for one day. Where’s John? I need to poke something.” Hope made her way over to John and poked him a couple times in the side.
“Hey bitch that hurts!” squeaked John.
“Oh get over it you little shit eater.” said Hope before giving him another poke. “If you was gonna be a little brat when you was younger and assassinate JFK, then at least don’t get caught. But getting caught after something that big is just stupid. It shows your real character.”
“And what would that be?” asked John.
“An idiot.” said Hope simply.
“You’re one to talk, you over grown tabby cat. You probably have rabies.” retorted John.
“That would explain a lot.” Julia muttered.
“What was that, birdie…?” Hope growled low in her throat.
“I’m just saying it would explain a lot of things… like the foaming at the mouth, for instance.”
“I do not foam at the mouth!” Hope exclaimed, quickly brushing her hand across her mouth, just in case. “And what’s your excuse? Why’s your face so ugly? Huh? God had a little fun with the ugly stick, didn’t he?!” tormented Hope, grinning like a lunatic.
“I’ll give you ugly stick!” snarled Julia.
“Christ, can you two refrain from killing each other for just one minute?” Hannah sighed in exasperation. Hope and Julia stared at each other with a look that could kill, but they both nodded their heads in slow consent. “Good. Now lets get down to business.”
“Duh-duh-duh-na-duh-na-naaa-duh-naaaa-duh-na-naaa…”
“What are you doing?” Julia finally questioned after fifteen long minutes.
“It’s theme music… you know, Mission Impossible, James Bond…” Hope muttered under her breath as she hung upside-down from an air duct.
“So?” Hannah urged.
“It’s all clear.” Hope reported, jumping down and taking off down the hall, Hannah right behind.
“You’re impossible…” Julia muttered as she reluctantly followed.
“Are you sure you know where you’re going?” Hannah questioned.
“Yeah, the oval office… I used to work here.” Hope smirked.
“Ah, now that really does explain a lot.”
“’Course, anyone working in politics is going down… If I’d known that back then, I would’ve done something else… like real estate… hehehee…”
“I don’t think that would’ve changed too much…”
“Yeah, but it’d been more fun.”
“Oh.”
“This is it.” Hope stated, slowly pushing open a white-washed oak door, the guards of which were conveniently asleep. (The result of a little magic, of course.)
“Ooh… not too shabby…” Julia commented, gazing about the rounded room.
“Yeah, if you live in the 19th century… or Heaven…” Hope chuckled, sauntering over to the single desk within the room.
“What if we can’t find what we’re looking for?” Julia questioned.
“We will.” Hannah stated.
“But-”
“Found it~!!!” Hope exclaimed in a sing-song voice, waving a manila folder at the two other girls.
“And so it begins…” Hannah smirked.
“That sounds… very evil.” Julia commented, fidgeting a bit unsurely.
“Julia, weren’t we just at an evil convention?! Isn’t it only logical that we would be doing evil things?! Plus… we did the whole ‘world peace’ ‘solve world hunger’ thing last month… It’s my turn to pick what we do! And I say we take over the world!” Hope exclaimed stubbornly, hands on hips, brow creased downward.
“Fine. But, next month it’s back to saving the world.”
“Yeah, if I haven’t destroyed it yet.”
“Jerk.”
“Thanks.”
“Not a compliment.”
“Guys… we kinda need to hurry this up and take over the world, or else we wont even be allowed out of the house for another month!” Hannah muttered, grabbing the folder from Hope and marching straight out of the White House.
“I guess that’s why she’s in charge…” Julia commented as she and Hope strolled after the human at a more leisurely pace.
“No, that is why all my friends from down under are laughing at me!” Hope grimaced, pointing at Hannah’s retreating form.
“Aw… they laugh at you? I bet that makes you so sad…” Julia muttered, feigning sympathy.
“Not really, they just don’t understand the genius behind the lot of this. I mean, I can’t take over the world by myself… I need someone on the inside, see?”
“Uh-huh…” Julia nodded, clearly unconvinced.
“God, for someone from ‘above’ you sure as Hell are slow!”
“HOPE!!! HURRY UP!!!” Hannah hollered, the older girl cringed at the sound, Julia giggled.
“No, but really, they laugh?”
“All the time…”
“Ahahahaa~!”
“Yeah, and then I heard she had to clean toilets! For a human!”
“AHAHAHAHAHAAA~!!!”
“And get this, she actually thinks she’s going to be able to take over the world!”
“Now that’s just sad, I mean, everyone knows that ‘take over the world’ crap is just something mums tell their kids before they go to bed…”
“All just a bunch a’ fairy tails…”
“Exactly. It’s totally ridiculous.” Beth grinned, passing out the last of the deck of cards.
“Fold.”
“Fold.”
“Pass.”
“Fold.”
“But… say, what if she does do it? Take over the world, I mean… where’s that gunna leave us?”
“On her good side, you’d better be hoping!”
More laughter.
“Doesn’t matter, it isn’t going to happen… oh, and I win.” Beth chuckled. There was a plethora of moans and groans as she hauled over her spoils. Spoiled vegetables, to be exact. The best in all of the underworld.
“So… what’s in the manila folder, anyway?” asked Julia. All of them were sitting around a small circular desk back in Hannah’s lair.
“Only the most important documents in the world.” said Hope. “Look, they even have ‘top secret’ written on the front.”
“I’m not dumb. I know they’re important, but like, what are they?”
“There’re the blue prints for the new condiment plant.” Hannah smirked.
“The one no one has ever been able to find?!” Julia asked, eyes wide.
“No, the one stuck up your butt!” retorted Hope. “Of course it’s that one. Don’t be stupid…”
“Okay guys, stop. After we open this envelope there’ll be no going back.”
“My god, we know. Just open it up already.” Hope snarled impatiently. Hannah slowly broke the seal and pulled out the documents.
“Are you serious?” asked Hope almost laughing. “This is going to be way too easy… May as well start callin’ me king, ‘cause after this, the world is so mine. I gotta call Beth and have her make me a throne and crown.”
Outside Hannah’s lair…
“Brandon, hold still.” said Brynna perched on the poor aforementioned boy’s shoulders. “I need to get a look at what they’re holding.” Brynna pulled out her binoculars and looked through the small window of Hannah’s lair. “It’s some sort of map.”
“Ah… Brynna… You’re gettin’ reeeeally heavy.”
“Hold on just a few more minutes…” said Brynna, refocusing her eyes on the document in Hannah’s hands. “Could it be?” Brynna murmured under her breath. “How did they…-Brandon no… No… ahhhh…” Thunk. “You imbecile!” Brynna shouted, rubbing her butt.
“I told you I couldn’t hold on for much longer…”
“No matter. I think I know what they have.” said Brynna with an evil smile.
“What?” asked Brandon intently.
“It’s the blue prints for the new top secret condiment factory.”
“But, how does that help us? I mean… it’s secret, right? So we wont be able to find it, even if they do.”
“That’s the beauty of it. The government was stupid enough to put the location on the blue prints.”
“So where is it?”
“Hey! You over there!” Brynna and Brandon looked over to see Hope running pell-mell straight at them, eyes glowing as if on fire.
“I’ll tell you later. Right now we’ve gotta get outa here!”
“So who was it?” asked Hannah as Hope sat back down with an aggravated sigh.
“It was that crazy chicken lady.”
“What did she want with us?” asked Julia.
“I don’t know, and I don’t want to find out.”
“We’re too deep in this for someone to blow our cover. Hope, get Beth to keep an eye on her.”
“Oh, come on! Let me at her! I’ll rip that chicks throat out!” Hope pleaded.
“No, I need you here. We move in tomorrow, here’s the plan…”
“Phase one, commence.” Brynna hissed into her walky-talky.
“Uh… what was that, again?” Brandon asked rather sheepishly.
“Imbecile!”
“Sorry…”
“Never mind… just go keep watch or something.”
“Ay-ay, ma’am!” the boy grinned, saluting even though she couldn’t seem him.
“I’m surrounded by idiots… well, except you, right, Ruby?” Brynna smiled, patting her trustful chicken accomplis, Ruby.
“Cluck!”
Yeah, that was a ‘yes’, and of course Brynna understood.
“This is it. You guys ready?” Hannah asked, glancing once more over the blueprints.
“I’ve been waiting for this my whole life… and then that eternity I was dead.” Hope grinned, loading up an AK-47.
“I can’t believe we’re actually doing this… I am so fired.” Julia stammered, adjusting her bullet-proof vest.
“Suck it up, Angel, there’s no going back now.”
“That’s what I’m worried about…”
“Guys! Your magic can only provide a fifteen minute window, right?”
“Twenty if we really push, but then we’d be really drained, practically useless… not a good thing, ya know?”
“Right, so fifteen minutes. When I say so, you’ve got to do it, then we move… as fast as we can.”
“Right.” both angel and demon nodded in firm understanding.
“One…”
Silence.
“Two…”
A dry swallow.
“Three… CAST!!!”
The spell was cast, and about one thousand workers found themselves feeling very sleepy. John found himself using his sandwich as a pillow. Mark would wake up fifteen minutes later with his face in the toilet. Then Mary would realize she had spent an extra ten minutes on break, resulting in a pay-cut.
“Go! Go! GO!” Hannah cried, and the three girls jumped from the white and black van, running up several flights of stairs into the factory. Hannah had the layout memorized, and so it only took five minutes to locate the control room from the nearest entrance. Meanwhile, Julia and Hope were sent out to secure some of the more important plant personnel.
“Alright, that’s the manager, assistant manager, and the two development agents.” hope reported, hefting a rather large man from her shoulder onto the floor, and wiping at her sweaty brow.
“Good job, you can take a break.” Hannah smiled, Hope returning it with a wide, toothy grin that showed off her extended canines.
“Thanks~!” she sighed, sitting herself down beside the younger girl.
“I’ve got all the guards tied up…” Julia sighed, walking in moments after.
“Great, now we can move on to phase two!” Hannah smiled, clapping her hands together excitedly.
“Oh! I wanna call her!”
“No, I can’t trust you to talk to the President… you’d say something stupid.”
“Oh, of course, silly me…” Hope muttered, rolling her eyes and spinning around once in her chair.
“Why don’t you have chairs like this?”
“They’re expensive…”
“I’ll get you some when I rule the world.”
“I expect to rule it with you.”
“Hmph… maybe…”
“Definitely.”
“Whatever…”
“Julia, the phone.”
“Here.”
Hannah dialed the number she had memorized earlier, leaning back in her chair and taking a long swig of chocolate milk.
“And then I’d like to visit the Caribbean… wha- what is that awful ringing?!” Suzanne gasped while discussing with her assistant the plans for the following weak.
“Um, that would be the phone, ma’am.”
“Ts, probably just a telemarketer…”
“No… they don’t call here.”
“Really?!”
“Uh, yes…”
“Then it’s for me!”
“Yes, ma’am, I would think so…”
“Yay! Maybe it’s that cute boy I stalked when I was in Florida~!!!”
“Um… yes, maybe…”
“Hello?!” Suzanne grinned, putting the phone to her ear. Her assistant quickly stepped in to turn it around the right way. “Hello?” she repeated.
“Yes, Hello, Miss President.”
“You don’t sound like a cute boy…”
“Well, I’m a girl…”
“Hmph, lame.” Suzanne grumbled, about to hang up.
“Ketchup.”
Pause.
“Wha-what did you just say?”
“Do I have your attention?”
“Who are you, oh mystery lady who speaks of the world’s favorite condiment?” Suzanne questioned in awe.
“I am The Princess of Darkness, and I want to make a deal…”
Hope was doubled-over in laughter, rocking back and forth in a futile attempt to breath.
“What kind of deal?” the voice of the President could be heard on speaker phone.
“One involving ketchup, of course.”
“How much? Is it for me? Can I have it?”
“That depends… what are you willing to give us, in exchange?”
“Uh-uh… what do you want?”
“The world… In exchange for the Top Secret Ketchup plant I currently have control over.”
“Done.”
“Miss President!” another voice cried.
“What?”
“You- you don’t have the authority!”
“But I’m the President!”
“Of the United States, yes… but this is the WORLD!!! No one is in control of all that!”
“I have connections.”
“We’re willing to accept just the US, for the time being… we have other plans for the rest of the world.”
“DONE!!! GIVE ME THE KETCHUP!!!”
“No!” that voice cried yet again. “I’ve called Agent 316B4R72110~J XPQZ-31/2! She’ll stop you!”
“Who the fuck is that?”
“Only the kindest, more conservative girl in the WHOLE WORLD!!! Her name is Brynna, and she will definitely stop you!”
“Why does that name sound so familiar…” three girls wondered in unison.
“Ah-hah! Stop right there, evil doers! In the name of justice and tofu-based meat replacements!” a loud call sounded through the large room. Three pairs of eyes turned to see a very unwelcome guest, dressed in a what must have been her signature outfit.
“CRAZY CHICKEN LADY!!!” all three girls gasped in unison.
“That is me! The Crazy- wait! NO! I’m BRYNNA!!! Chicken lover and spreader of the Green Diet!”
“Right…”
“Anyway…”
“Miss President, what is your decision?”
“Do not ignore me! I am overflowing with veggie-vibes! I am UNDEFEATABLE!!!” Brynna exclaimed, ‘flying’ across the room and slamming Hannah face-first into the control panel. Chocolate milk went everywhere.
“That… was a very poor move, on your part.” Hannah breathed acidly, slowly raising her face, wiping a hand over the chocolaty residue upon it. She then turned a steady, deadly glare upon her new opponent. Brynna took a step back, then seemed to snap out of whatever shock she had been put in from the attitude change, and readied herself for battle.
“Ooh-hooh~!! This’ll be good, huh?” Hope grinned, crouching on the counter to get a better view of what was going on. Julia stood beside her, looking very, very nervous.
“This was a bad idea…”
“What’s this? Don’t get your feathers in knot now, we’re almost done… this chick’ll be nothing. Plus, it’s three against one, so, hah!”
“I hope so… I think.”
“Aren’t you divinities supposed to be all-knowing and confident an’ shit?”
“Uh-huh…”
“So, what’s the deal?”
“The ups aren’t happy… I think I’m gunna get fired…”
“Fired… like, at the stake?”
“No… like from a job!”
“Is that how it works for you guys?”
“Y-yeah…”
“Then where do ya go?”
“Here…”
“You become human?!?!!”
“Uh-huh…”
Silence.
“AHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!!” Hope cried, bursting with laughter, so much so that she nearly fell off her perch.
“It’s not funny! This world is so filthy and gross and… EW!!!”
“It’s GREAT!!! I’m so jealous! Oh, but then again… I’m going to rule this, so… hehe~ You’ll be one of my subjects! That’ll teach ya, huh, birdie?!”
“It’s not going to work… you can’t take over the world. It’s impossible! We made it impossible, it’s in the rules!”
“Uh, I’m a Demon, remember? Breaking the rules is kinda my forte…”
“GET BACK HERE, BITCH!!!” a wild cry broke the two opposing forces from their argument, and back to the battle between the two humans.
“Aw… Hannah’s so cute when she’s angry…” Hope chuckled, watching the girl chase the crazed chicken enthusiast around in circles. It seemed that the chick had taken Hannah’s milk hostage, having previously assessed it as a weakness.
“Ah… maybe we should help? You should help?!”
“Nah, this is too much fun.”
“You’re a sadist, aren’t you?”
“Aren’t we all…”
“Uh, no, no, we aren’t.” Julia stated, Hope just shrugged, as if it was irrelevant.
“MINE!!!” Hannah suddenly cried, tackling the other girl to the floor and prying her milk free. “AHAHAAA-OH!” her triumphant laugh was cut off as Brynna rotated and had her pinned instead.
“Didn’t I tell you I was undefeatable?” the girl giggled, tapping Hannah’s nose with her index finger to stress each word.
“Oh shit! The National Guard!!!” Hope suddenly cried.
Okay, stop there for a moment. In an ideal world, this would have been the end of the fight. The National Guard would have come in and the three ‘evil doers’ would be put behind bars for a very, very long time. Brynna would have won the Nobel Peace prize and saved all chickens from future, ketchupy doom. Suzanne would have gotten her burger Happy Meal with extra ketchup. People would stop referring to me as Crispy, and just call me Kristy… oh, but that’s irrelevant. Anyways, it would have been the storybook happily-ever-after. Good over comes evil. Yatta, yatta, yatta… And, for all of you who want that to be the end, for everyone who thinks Good should always come out on top and ‘evil doers’ should get their just deserts… STOP READING. This is the end for you, so go tell your kids a bedtime story about the little kitten who took over the world, okay? Great, buh-bye. Buh-bye now… bye… No, really, go away.
Now, for the rest of you who want the real story, the real ending… well, that’s just beginning.
“Haha, made ya look.” Hope smirked from above a very shocked Brynna. The girl’s eyes went wide, then she went flying across the floor, hitting the opposite wall with a sickening SNAP.
“Thanks…” Hannah sighed as Hope helped her up.
“Can’t have you get owned before we finish this, ay?”
“Right.”
“So… You still there, Miss President?”
“Ooh… that sound so cool! Are you guys movie stars?!”
“Sure…”
“What about that deal, are you accepting?” Hannah urged.
“DUH!!!”
“Great, then just…” Hannah trailed off, as the ground began to shake.
“What…?” Julia gasped, clinging to the wall for support.
“What the hell?!” Hope growled, easily keeping her balance. Something about this tremor was unsettlingly familiar. Just as this thought was crossing her mind, there was a deafening CRACK, and the room was split in two. The air became unbearably hot, and an early orange glow was filtered through the gap at her feet.
“Shit.”
“I told you… THE RULES!!!!” Julia could be heard crying, but no one was really listening.
“Hope…” a truly demonic voice crackled from below.
“WHAT DO YOU WANT?!?!?!! I’M BUSY!!!”
“We admire your dedication… but this can’t be allowed. However, if it’s power you want… then I think we’ll be able to reach a compromise.”
“Compromise with the devil?”
“You’re choice, it’s back to the mines… or, you could be The One.”
“Th-The One, The One… like, THE One?!?!!!” Hope croaked.
“Yes.”
“Uh… Who’s The One?” Hannah asked from a few feet away.
“You’d know him as Satan, Lord of the Underworld, The Devil… et cetera.”
“You- you’re gunna rule the UNDERWORLD?!?!!!”
“Uh-uh… there’s a condition.”
“What? Name your price.”
“Ketchup.”
“Hah?”
“You hear me. That shit ain’t cheep, and it’s a real drag to have to come topside whenever I need some… I mean, remember what happened last time?”
“Ah, yes… that was messy…”
“Yeah, I’m lost…” Hannah muttered, clearly annoyed.
“Remember Katrina? New Orleans?”
“That was HIM?!?!?!!”
“Of course.”
“Well… fuck.”
“Hannah! What do you think?!” Hope suddenly cried, appearing next to both the other girls. “I’m gunna be the top dog down there!”
“But you were a cat… and why exactly haven’t you changed back?”
“The spell wore off… something about getting hit on the head hard enough, I guess I’ve got birdie to thank for that.”
“Why you-”
“Kidding, kidding… it’s been fun, Julia.” Hope chuckled, sending the angel one of those few, real smiles.
“Yeah, it was, wasn’t it?” the angel agreed, returning the smile as Hope extended her hand to shake, Julia did the same, but Hope pulled back at the last minute.
“Hope!”
“I’m just messin’ with ya, don’t know when we’ll get to do that again, right?”
“So… is this really it? We’re all going our separate ways?” Hannah murmured softly, eyes glued to the floor.
“What? You’re not coming?” Hope blinked in surprise.
“What do you mean, ‘You’re not coming?’?!?!?! Of course I’m not! I’m HUMAN!!!”
“Not for long… after this little escapade you’re going one way or the other, and, face it, it’s better to rule in Hell than serve in Heaven, right twinkle toes?”
“Unfortunately, I have to agree… I might even join you… someday.”
“Lookin’ forward to it, I could use a court jester!”
“Haha.” Julia muttered sarcastically, but she was smiling.
“So… What do I think?” Hope asked, turning back to Hannah, “Wanna rule Hell with me, Princess of Darkness?” Hope smirked.
“What am I supposed to say, when you put it like that?” Hannah grumbled, tears welling in her eyes. “Of course I’m coming!”
“Alright, then we haven’t got much time… this whole factory is going under… The workers have already been relocated, no need to make anyone too suspicious… and, Birdie, I’d say it’s time you got outa here.”
“Right… have fun, you two.”
“When have we ever done anything different?” Hope chuckled, the other two laughed, nodding.
“Tell mom I’ll find a way to… contact her. And don’t forget to poke John for me, okay?” Hannah told Julia.
“I’m gunna miss ya, sis… even if we weren’t really related…”
“What are you talking about? We’re sisters, and that’s that.”
“Cool… then, I’ll see ya around, okay? Oh, and Hope… if anything bad, I mean REALLY bad, happens to her… you’ll regret it.” Julia hissed venomously.
“Ooh, scary… and kinda evil. Maybe you’ll make it down after all.”
“Okay… well, I guess I really do need to be going…” Julia sighed, and with one last smile, she turned and ran out of the room, then the factory all together. She didn’t look back.
“So? Ready?” Hope grinned, holding out a hand.
“You have to ask?” Hannah smirked. And, together, they skipped into hell.
There you have it, that’s what really happened. I’m sure you’re wondering about a few other things, and I shall address them now.
1. Brynna did not get sucked into Hell with the factory, she was just to good and pure and wonderful, so she’s okay. Rejoice. Last I heard she was spreading her veggie-vibes over in Africa.
2. Julia didn’t go to Hell either, not even in her later years. Instead, she decided to tag along with Brynna and do some volunteer work in impoverished villages. Hope and Hannah still have some faith she’ll turn, though… so, who knows, one day they all might get reunited.
3. John ate through the bars on his cage while the girls were in the factory, but then Sherisa found him and… well, it wasn’t pretty.
4. Oh! Brandon is still helping Brynna, along with his adorable girlfriend Risa. They, along with Julia, actually get along rather marvelously.
5. Beth and the other demons were NOT on Hope’s ‘good’ side when she ascended the throne, and were put into hard labor for several millennium. However, they were eventually forgiven… and sent to the world as cats, each assigned to lead a human into corruption. Heaven decided to play along, and sent angels down to pair up with the indicated human and demon pairs.
6. Hope and Hannah still rule Hell as the ‘Prince’ and Princess of Darkness. They have multiple ventures going on in the world above, and hope to control that too within the next year. (Heaven isn’t pleased.)
7. It is better to rule in Hell, then serve in Heaven.
There, how was that? Crazy, right? Told you it would be. I mean, it was written by a couple sixteen year olds in one week. Frankenstein on crack might have been a bit of an understatement…
“Hurry it up, Kristy… we still need to switch all the place setting before everyone shows up… and call the underworld…” Beth grumbles from her place on top of my computer.
“That’s an awful thing to do!” Rose muttered, shaking her head sadly.
“Shut it!”
“Calm down, sheesh… let’s get going, I have to send copies of this out to everyone, you can send it to your boss from here, right?” Kristy asked Beth, who gave an annoyed nod, hopping down to scan over the screen.
“It’s like… a biography, how boring…”
“Only for the people who know it! For everyone else, it’ll be, like, INSANE!!!”
“You’re insane.”
“Don’t say mean things, kitty.” Rose reprimanded.
“Don’t have that finger at me! I’m a DEMON!!! Damn it!”
“Your own fault… you shouldn’t’ve laughed at Hope.”
“She deserved it… the bastard…”
“Yes, well, now she OWNS you, so what’re you gunna do about it?!” Kristy laughed, Rose giggled, and Beth seethed.
“You wanna know what I’m gunna do?! I’M GUNNA TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD!!!!”
